WTF???

Several things are troubling me:

1) Do you ever go to a store like Home Depot, buy a couple of things (light bulbs, batteries, etc.), and when you try to walk out the door after paying... a security guard stops you like you have a pound of crack cocaine hidden in your colon? Gee Officer, what can I do for you? You'd like to see my receipt? I have no problem with that. I might quietly point out that if you hadn't been flirting with the toothless woman selling hot dogs, you might have noticed that a mere four steps from our current location, I just paid for these items... but, here is my receipt. Umm, I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but all you did was make a small squiggle mark. You didn't even inspect the contents of my bag! Is it totally unreasonable to suggest that the "security" guard do something... ANYthing... that in any way makes the products that he's protecting even the slightest bit more secure?!?

2) It is so cold in Chicago right now, that my dogs won't even take a shit outside. Normally they love to run around outside like it's their last day of freedom. I can't say that I entirely blame them. I wouldn't be excited about taking my pants off in -40 degree weather either. I feel so badly for them. I try to imagine squatting barefoot on a massive block of ice. I think I would look up at my parents with the same pathetic look. I wish I could help you guys.

3)

Is it really necessary that Jennifer Aniston continue to get hotter every couple of years? Jesus.

4) According to Sports Illustrated, "the Yankees have reached an agreement in principle to sign Mark Teixeira, beating out the rival Red Sox for the free-agent slugger's services. Teixeira, who hit .308 with 33 home runs and 121 RBIs in 2008, will receive an eight-year, $180 Million deal from the Yankees with a full no-trade provision." That's $22.5 Million per year. It would certainly appear that the current economic meltdown is not affecting Mark Teixeira. Fuck that guy.

Vegas Baby, Vegas!!

Sorry that I haven't posted anything in a few days, but at least I have a good excuse. I was in Vegas!! Without hesitation, Vegas is one of my favorite places in the world. I've been going roughly 2-3 times a year for almost 10 years now. Despite the extensive experience that I now have with Vegas, there were several things that still made no sense to me:

1) I play a lot of poker when I'm in Vegas; not just a few hours here and there. In the first 24 hours that I was in Las Vegas, I played roughly 16 hours of poker. If you watch poker on TV, you might notice a couple differences between the professional players and me. First of all, I don't wear sunglasses. Know why? Because poker is played inside. Wearing sunglasses to play poker is like wearing an athletic cup to read a book. Why don't you take off the glasses and try to enjoy yourself a little bit dickbag. Second, I don't wear headphones at the table. Know why? Because then you can't hear anything else. Maybe these idiots should have played a little less Dungeons & Dragons as a kid; could have helped their people skills.

2) I really can't understand why someone would actually be reading Card Player Magazine... while sitting at a poker table. There can be only 3 reasons that someone would do this:
- They want me to think they're a really good poker player. That way, I might be scared of them and if they make a bet I might fold.
- They want me to think they're a really bad poker player. That way, I might try to bet too aggressively because I think they're dumb and if they actually have a good hand, I might lose.
- They're a really big fucking loser.

3) So I was sitting at the table playing poker and made what I considered to be a relatively funny remark. Some guy two seats to my left responded by spitting his drink all over the poker table. Faux pas! Towels were used; cards were replaced; poker chips were dried off. If you can't handle something as sophisticated as drinking a beer, maybe you shouldn't be gambling for money at 4am. What's worse than spitting your drink out all over a poker table? Two hours later, when you spit out your drink again... all over the unlucky guy writing this blog. That's right, twice in one sitting this douchebag spit out his drink again because he was choking. Putz.

4) By the end of my marathon poker session, I was tired. Ok, that's an understatement. My body was so messed up that I was actually shaking. I had been awake for over 40 hours straight and I felt like my internal organs were probably going to start shutting down. At one point, I happened to be sitting there when something came out of nowhere and hit my ear. I practically fell out of my chair. I was pretty shaken up by the whole thing... until I realized that the culprit was my own finger. Yep, time for bed.

5) Why is that restaurant hostesses are beyond awful and writing down my name? What is your job? Writing down people's names! That's all you do! Isn't there some kind of test for this? If you can't routinely retain a 5-letter name, I think you might want to look into a slightly less difficult line of work... perhaps working at a toll booth?
- Stupid Hostess: "Can I get your name sir?"
- Victim: "Hearn. H. E. A. R. N."
- Stupid Hostess: "H. A. R..."
- Victim: "Nope. H. E. A. R. N."
- Stupid Hostess: "H. A..."
- Victim: "Are you kidding me right now? HEARN. Not HARN. H. E. A. R. N."
- Stupid Hostess: "H. E... what was next sir?"
- Victim: "You know what, I'm too tired for dinner anyway."

6) By Monday morning, I was so physically wrecked, that I probably needed to go home for health reasons. Obviously, I was devastated to be leaving... but one thing made it tolerable (other than seeing my family, of course). Betting on Monday Night Football :)

The Otto Conundrum

For those of you that did not read my previous blog post, please take a minute and read it (along with the comments) before reading this post... otherwise you will probably be more than a little bit confused.

Now that you're all caught up, let me explain my predicament because I am truly torn. It seems relatively clear to me that Otto is a conscientious Snapfish employee that was doing his best to handle what he perceived as "a difficult customer". The part of me that strives to be a good person and a good role model for my daughter knows that it is probably wrong to pick on Otto for essentially trying to do his job well.

The other part of me simply can't help thinking that this is some really funny shit.

Otto's post raises several interesting points that don't really make sense to me:

1) How in hell did Otto find my blog in the first place?? When I had my online conversation with Subhash, I never gave him my full name and my full name does not appear anywhere on my blog. As far as I can tell, there are only two viable scenarios. Either Snapfish has so much cash that they can afford to have people randomly searching the internet for bad publicity (Please see #2 for additional thoughts on this), or Otto has way too much time on his hands and decided to troll the internet in case some of his "difficult customers" just happen to have blogs.

2) Otto suggests that Subhash went out of his way to offer me 30 free credits and Sara went out of her way to offer to personally hand write a note for me. Well, let's take it slow and really examine how far out of their way each employee actually went. A 4x6 print costs $0.09 on Snapfish. So, when Subhash offered me 30 free prints, he basically offered me $2.70. Now, if Snapfish is so well off that they can really afford to have people searching the internet for bad publicity, $2.70 seems like a pretty shitty offer. I think we can all agree that the notion of not allowing a customer to attach a gift card to a gift is complete and utter lunacy for an online retailer, so I'm sorry Otto, but I don't think that $2.70 scratches the surface. I personally think that a sushi dinner was warranted. What incredible customer service! They would have bought a dedicated customer for life. Oh well. As for Sara, let's be honest about that too, shall we? She didn't "offer" to do anything; she accepted my offer to hand write the note. It was my suggestion! And, when I suggested that beginning the note with "Dear so and so" was not as cordial as actually using my friend's name... she terminated the conversation. I would have to disagree with Otto that she went out of her way at all.

3) How many times can a man use a wink face in an email to another man before it starts to get a little creepy? If you look at Otto's post, he winks at me two different times. There are people that I've known for years that I wouldn't feel comfortable winking at in an email, much less posting in a comment on their blog. But, even though Otto and I are only friends through Subhash, he felt at ease enough with me to wink at me twice. Creepy or endearing? You decide.

4) Given that Otto seemed to have been doing some checking on me, I thought it only appropriate that I do some checking on Otto. I clicked on Otto's blogspot profile and found that he keeps two blogs of his own! They are entitled "My Private Blog" and "Debauchery SF". Unfortunately, since I originally checked out the content of these blogs, Otto has decided to make them private. Let me simply tell you that Otto has some very interesting personal tastes and he couldn't possibly be offended by my usage of the word "Fuck" as the subject of my last blog entry. Shame Otto, shame.

As I said initially, I think Otto was honestly trying to do his job. He perceived me as "a difficult customer", which I may very well have been. However, it is equally likely that I was justified in being pissed off at Snapfish and that I don't feel like they helped at all. Throwing $2.70 at an unhappy customer is a joke. Accepting an offer to hand write a note and then ending the conversation during the drafting portion of the note writing is rude and insulting.

As for me taking the opportunity to pick on Otto a little bit... don't feel bad Otto. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders:

1) Never fight a land war in Asia.
2) Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line. (Only slightly less well known)
3) Never post a serious comment on someone's blog, when the whole purpose of the blog is to make fun of stuff.

Geez Snapfish! (see comments for why this has been changed to "Geez")

So I'm trying to order a birthday present for the two-year old daughter of a friend of mine. Snapfish offers some really cool books for kids, where you can import a picture of the kid that will then appear as a character in the book.

Despite these books being called "Specialty Gifts", it is apparently impossible to send them with a gift card or any kind of note that lets the gift-ee know who the gift-or is. Seriously? You mean to tell me that it never occurred to the brain trust at snapfish, that someone might want to give their gift... as a gift?!? Lucky for me, snapfish does offer excellent customer support. They let you chat with a customer service representative (named Subhash) on their website. I'll copy and paste the whole chat. It's a little long, but I tried to make it as entertaining as possible:

Subhash: Hi. Welcome to Snapfish Live Help. How may I help you please?

Adam: I'm trying to order the "baby's first birthday" book. Is there any way for me to add a gift message to the order?

Subhash: Please note that while you are trying to place an order you will find "free gift message" link. If you find that then you can add a gift message. Otherwise it is not possible to add a gift message to your order.

Adam: "If I find that"? Fun, I like puzzle games. But, alas, I cannot find it... so does that mean that I cannot add a gift message to this specialty gift?

Subhash: I certainly regret any inconvenience this may have caused.

Adam: Really, the only inconvenience is how NOT helpful this is... why would you have a "SPECIALTY GIFT" where I can't include a gift message??

Subhash: I am sorry, there is no free gift message note for picture me books. Is there anything else I might assist you with today?

Adam: Do you think you provided me with good customer service today?

Subhash: I am sorry, if I have disappointed you in some way.

Adam: I am very disappointed

Subhash: Please accept my sincere apology for any inconvenience you experienced.

Adam: I do not accept your apology.

Subhash: Ok I will forward your request to our appropriate department.

Adam: Can you offer me something else?

Subhash: Due to this inconvenience I have issued 30 4x6 print credits to your Snapfish account.

Adam: That really doesn't help me. Here is what I want from you: dinner for two at a sushi restaurant in Chicago.

Subhash: I am sorry, but the gift message note is not available for book orders.

Adam: You already said that. What about giving me a gift certificate to a restaurant? When I upset my wife, she makes me take her out for a nice dinner. I think it is the least you can do.

Subhash: I am sorry, i cannot provide you that.

Adam: Why not?

(Please wait while your chat is transferred to Sara. You are now chatting with Sara.)

Sara: Hi Adam. I am sorry that you are upset. Is there something else we can assist you with today?

Adam: I was suggesting a sushi dinner.

Sara: We are a photo site, not a sushi restaurant. He has issued you 30 print credits. Is there anything else we can asssit you with today?

Adam: I don't think that 30 print credits properly compensate me for the frustration of not being able to tell a gift recipient that the gift is from me.

Sara: Thank you for your suggestion. I apologize for the frustration.

Adam: Subhash already apologized. Could you send a letter from Snapfish to the people that I'm sending the gift to?

Sara: There are plenty of cards you can create on our site that are perfect for this occasion should you wish to create one and alert your gift recipient.

Adam: I'm asking if you could personally send a note on Snapfish letterhead. I think it would go a long way towards making everything ok.

Sara: Sure...

Adam: Really? What would it say?

Sara: Dear so and so...then whatever you would like me to say.

Adam: Hmm. Well, maybe start it with "Dear Jason" because that is his name.

(Session terminated by customer service representative)

Notes From the Holidays

Hopefully everyone had a terrific Thanksgiving holiday! Shockingly, there were some things that happened over the long weekend that made no sense to me:

1) During all of the football on Thanksgiving, there was a commercial that had people giving testimonials about something. Underneath their faces, a caption was displayed: "Real People, Not Actors". Hmmm. Couple things. First of all, even actors are real people. Second, this commercial didn't have a director? These were regular people who just happened to find themselves in front of a camera and nailed unscripted lines on the first take? You think maybe they were real people AND they were acting?

2) Because of the Thanksgiving holiday, I commuted from Chicago to Deerfield three times in three days. With a baby and two dogs in the car. To say the least, by Saturday morning my driving nerves were a little shot. That said, does the asshole behind me really have to start honking 0.2 milliseconds after the green arrow appears at the intersection?? Look dick, I promise that you are not in a bigger hurry than I am. If you are really having a panic attack that I'm not already slamming on the gas, how about you leave a few minutes earlier? God forbid you wait an extra 30 seconds to get back to Bubbie and Zadie's house for your seventh round of leftovers. Douche.

3) My wife wants a new pair of boots. They cost $325. I told her that unless they are made of unicorn dick, they can't possibly be that expensive. I have no real story here, but the reality of how rare and valuable unicorn dick must be, continues to crack me up.

4) For several months, there have been two assholes playing catch with a football in the street in front on my apartment. In Chicago, there are cars on every street. On my street, cars are parked bumper to bumper on both sides of the street. The problem here is that these guys suck at catch. One of them drops every third ball. What happens then? Right, the ball slams into someone's car. Here's what makes no sense. I can't do anything about it. If I go out there and ask them to please stop hurting cars, I basically show them that I'm a vagina. If I call the cops about the two dipshits playing in the street, the cops will hang up on me. It's fucking annoying to know that my car is going get hit with a football and I can't stop it. And if the two of you dick bags happen to read this, go to a fucking park already.

5) Last night, my wife and I ordered dinner from Penny's Noodle Shop. As always, we got chopsticks with our meal. For no particular reason, I happened to read what was written on the outside of the chopsticks. Here it is, in its glorious entirety:

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and culture"

That's what it says. Presumably, at some point someone with a 1st Grade education has actually been consulted on the packaging for chopsticks. Additionally, I'm assuming that because this product is used in the United States, someone who actually understands English was involed in the original Chopsticks Think Tank. First and foremost, stop capitalizing everything! Next, don't build up "chopsticks" as "the traditional and typical _____", without telling me what you really think it is! And stop putting periods two words before the end of the sentence. Hey Chopsticks people, I'm all for America being the melting pot, but you make it pretty fucking hard to keep siding with you.

24

No, not the show. And for those of you that knew me in junior high, not the math game either. I'm talking about the last 24 hours. Not the best day. Here's why:

1) I'm hungover. When I was in college, hangovers were pretty common so I kind of got used to them. I think the problem is that I'm extremely out of practice. A bunch of my co-workers went out for Happy Hour last night. Somehow that turned into 8 hours of beer and scotch. I think I speak for my liver when I say, "OUCH! What the hell are you doing?? Do you think you're still 19? Do us a favor and act your age asshole. And while we're talking, why do you always end up with nachos on your shirt at the end of a night of drinking? Slob. And stop burping. Every time you burp, you smell like the alley behind a Binny's."

2) I'm broke. Remember in college when you would go out for dinner with about 35 people and after passing the check around and collecting money from everyone, you were about $300 short of the necessary amount? When I go out drinking now, that phenomenon has evolved. The bill was $200 and four people split it. I look in my wallet this morning and see that I spent about $250. I need Stephen Hawking to explain how in hell that is possible.

3) Fuck United Airlines! Can someone please explain to me how they're still screwing me years after they declared bankruptcy? Back in February, we booked tickets on United to fly from Chicago to West Palm Beach in December. In August, United had the decency to call and let us know that they were discontinuing all direct flights to and from West Palm Beach. Since they no longer serviced our destination city, we had to switch our nonstop flights into one-stop flights that end up in Miami; a two hour drive from West Palm Beach. This morning, I got a call that our return flight is now getting in at 7:15pm on New Year's Eve. Of course, that means that my dogs will have to spend two extra nights being boarded, which amounts to an extra $150. I'm expecting United to call me in a few weeks and let me know that New Year's Eve has been canceled this year; they're reposessing my car; and that I am long over due for a rectal exam. Bastards.

Sorry, sorry, sorry

I know. It's been a week since my last post. I'm sorry. The truth is, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be to come up with new things to write about every day or two. Sometimes it's easy because I'm out in the world, observing all the stupid things that happen every day. But, some weeks I tend to be home more and I don't see as much. However, as it's been a full week now, I've stored up a few different things that I can mention:

1) The Biggest Loser. If you don't watch the show, then just skip to #2. If you do watch the show, then I hope you can agree with me that Vicky is the biggest bitch to be on television since Omarosa was on The Apprentice. As inspiring as the show can be, is it wrong that I hope she actually gains weight? As a general rule, I try not to wish for bad things to happen, but just look at her:
She is Satan incarnate! Every time she speaks, I want to turn the television off. Every time she gives one of those shit-eating grins, I want to slap her in the mouth. It can't possibly be a coincidence that she was on the brown team. What a complete piece of shit. I'm just saying.

2) So I'm at the gym yesterday and I see a guy walk over to one of the weight machines; with a full mountain climber backpack on. This was intriguing, so I keep an eye on him for a couple minutes. He takes the backpack off, fills it up with as many weight plates as possible, and then starts to lift weights for a few minutes. Then, with the backpack on, he goes and runs on a treadmill. SERIOUSLY?? People like this completely piss me off. These are the people that have so many high school credits that they start college as a junior. These are the people that have multiple post-graduate degrees and also write a book in their spare time. These are the people that make me feel guilty even though I'm actually at the gym. Jackass.

3) We had our groceries delivered last night from Peapod. I forgot to order oatmeal. Now I have a ridiculous decision to make. Do I place another Peapod order and only buy oatmeal? That seems crazy because I would be paying a $7 delivery fee for only one item. My otherwise cheap oatmeal would then cost more than a 4-egg omelet. Or, do I go to the grocery store to buy oatmeal? Well that seems crazy because if I was going to go the grocery store, we shouldn't have ordered from Peapod in the first place. I wonder what Jesus would do.

4) My daughter has a new trick. She wakes up at 5am and cries for the full hour until we have to get up. It's awesome. If she can learn to wake up at the exact same time everyday with Swiss-like precision, why can't she learn to wake up when we do? She's on my list.

** Note to my daughter: I still love you :)