Cloverfield

Many of you probably know that I watch a lot of movies. There are a ton of movies that I really like; I'm very open-minded. However, there are naturally a few that I don't particularly care for. Unfortunately, every now and then, there is a movie like Cloverfield. A movie that is so incredibly horrible; so unbearably devoid of value; so purely evil in its utter lack of any redeeming qualities... that I can't help but mention it here because it was a colossal disappointment. How a movie that sounds so promising can be such crap truly makes no sense to me.

That poster looks pretty cool, don't you think? Now read the summary of the movie:

"A going-away party in Manhattan is interrupted when a mysterious, giant-sized monster launches an attack on New York City. With camcorder in hand, a small group of friends make their way out into the chaotic streets, scrambling to stay alive."

If you're into science fiction or movies like Armageddon, you would have to agree that the movie sounds at least decent. Want more proof? The movie is produced by J.J. Abrams, the guy that created Alias and Lost. So what's the problem? (Oh, if you don't want to know anything about the movie, then stop reading now)

First of all, the movie is only 84 minutes long. Even Ace Ventura was longer than that. There is literally nothing more to the movie than the summary that you just read. The movie starts out as though someone is watching a video tape that is now the property of the Department of Defense. Like the plot summary indicates, there was a party and someone ended up recording the whole night. So, think about a shittier version of The Blair Witch Project. During the course of the movie you actually get to see the monster and a lot of people die. But, that's it! By the end, everyone is dead and the viewer knows ABSOLUTELY nothing more than you do after simply reading the plot synopsis. You don't know if the monster came from Earth or if it is an alien. You don't know if the military was able to destroy it or if it is still out there threatening to wipe out the rest of the world. You never even find out what the fuck "Cloverfield" means.

I'm all for suspense and cliffhanger endings, but this is cinematic blue-balls at its absolute worst. Hey J.J., maybe you could have put a few minutes of actual plot into the movie? The minimal character development that did happen was pointless because by the time you actually start to give the tiniest shit about any of them, they die. In hindsight, my 84 minutes would have been better spent in the bathroom. At least then I wouldn't have had shit all over my iPhone.

Can't Take Anymore

After his overwhelming success with the Third Reich, I'm pretty sure that at some point in between marrying Eva Braun and committing suicide in the Führerbunker, this man somehow found the time to start another clandestine and deeply evil organization: the CTA. Only a minion of Satan could devise something as utterly fucked as the CTA is. My day started as it normally does; with me waiting for the train. While I was waiting for approximately 25 minutes, I had some time to think. I looked at the CTA train map

and realized that several things make no sense to me:

1) Why does it take 25 minutes for a train to come? Trains are supposed to come roughly every 5 minutes. By the time the train actually showed up, the platform looked like Woodstock. I think there were 100,000 people waiting for the red-line. It was absolute mayhem. Forget the fact that the arriving train was already bursting at the seams; when the doors opened it was like the running of the bulls. I understand a regular traffic jam. Some dipshit gets terrified to drive the speed limit because there is a pothole in the highway and so it takes 3 times as long as necessary to get home. That makes me want to kill someone, but at least I understand it. What the hell goes wrong on a train track?? There are no drunk drivers; no gapers delay; no bitch putting on lipstick while talking on her cell phone and driving; just trains that have rigid schedules they are supposed to keep.

2) Once I'm finally on a train, something comes over me and I turn into a complete douche. I don't know what it is, but it's basically like all of my morals and ethics go right to shit. I don't give up my seat for people; I'm reluctant to even move out of the way so that people can pass by me. I think I am the end result of 5 years of being furious at the CTA. Normally, I like to think of myself as a relatively pleasant guy, but if I met me on a train, I would want to kick me right in the balls.

3) Why do I take the train twice every single day instead of taking a cab? The obvious answer is that a cab would cost roughly $18 each way and the train only costs $2, but that can't be the only answer. When I'm standing directly underneath the chin of some gargantuan asshole with neck piercings and breath that smells like he just blew an infected barnyard animal, unable to move becuase some other schmuk's North Face duffel bag is resting on my chest, I would gladly pay $18 to be in a putrid disgusting cab.

That is SO gay!

Proposition 22 has been active in California for 8 stupid years. In a nutshell, Proposition 22 has prevented California from recognizing same-sex marriages. Finally, on May 15, 2008, the California Supreme Court ruled that any statute (like Prop. 22) that limits marriage to a relationship between a man and a woman violates the equal protection clause of the California Constitution.

On November 4th, California will be voting on an initiative measure that appears on the California General Election ballot called "Proposition 8". If passed, the proposition would change the California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in California. A new section would be added stating "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California".

I'm not only writing about this today because two of my favorite people in the whole world are gay. I'm writing about this because ignorant and moronic people get entirely too much attention in this country and anyone actually in favor of passing this measure should be castrated and deported. Here are a few of the billion reasons that this makes no sense:

1) Is it really that hard to understand what equal rights mean? Seriously?? This country was founded on the idea that all people are created free and equal. No one can possibly misinterpret that. If you have a right, I get it too. Simple, right? Honestly, I don't understand what all the bullshit is about. I don't care if it's race, gender, age, cell phone provider, or what kind of privates you prefer when the lights are off; we should all have the equal right to make these choices. Isn't that the whole point? Anyone who disagrees, shut your ignorant ass up.

2) I'm sorry, but lesbians are hot. It just needed to be said. Goverment should be encouraging this sort of activity; not limiting it.

3) What the fuck is a "civil union"? Apparently a "Civil Union" is a legal arrangement between two people that individual states can elect to recognize. Typically they offer people about 1% of the rights and privileges that are enjoyed by legally married people. Do lawmakers actually think that they are fooling anyone? Even the presidential candidates are relatively open about their support of civil unions while condemning gay marriage. You can't be for something and against it. By agreeing that civil unions are ok but being against gay marriage, you don't secure the gay vote; you secure that the gay community hates you only slightly less than every other politician that is against equal rights.

4) The "Defense of Marriage Act" was passed on September 21, 1996. Sounds like a good thing, right? Wrong. This law had two effects: (a) "no state need treat a relationship between persons of the same sex as a marriage, even if the relationship is considered a marriage in another state." (b) "The Federal Government may not treat same-sex relationships as marriages for any purpose." I think I speak for the entire same-sex community when I say that Congress needs to work on its defense. How our Federal Government can claim to be securing equal rights for all of its citizens while still authoring this kind of legislative garbage is absolutely terrifying. I sincerely hope that anyone who voted for this Act in 1996 gets trapped in an elevator with a pack of angry goth lesbians.

5) All kidding aside, how can anyone possibly be against gay marriage? Do you think that preventing gay marriage will somehow cut down on the number of gay people in this country? Do you think that preventing gay marriage will in any way reduce the amount of gay sex going on in this country? Gay people are already living together and having sex in every city in America. So what's the problem? You people actually care whether or not two in-love and fully committed people get a piece of paper that says they can visit each other in the hospital or file their taxes jointly? To anyone that is against gay marriage, I have bad news for you... you always lose! You were upset that black people couldn't be slaves anymore; you were upset that women got to vote; you'll be upset when gay marriage is eventually legalized. Why don't you adopt a point of view consistent with the century you're living in.

** In the mean time, please vote AGAINST Proposition 8!!

Navy Pier

Over the weekend, I had the unique pleasure of taking my daughter to the Children's Museum located at Navy Pier. When you look at the picture, it looks like a wonderful place, doesn't it? It conjures images of old town fairs or childhood circuses or carnivals. In reality, while the museum is great for kids, the rest of Navy Pier is the kind of place that no one should ever visit. Ever. The people are rude; the parking is way too expensive; the food is slightly less than mediocre; and the stores are completely worthless. In fact, the only good thing about walking through Navy Pier is that there are things to look at outside. There isn't ten minutes worth of quality on the inside of Navy Pier. You want specifics? Here are the things that made no sense to me:

1) First of all, trying to figure out how to get to the Children's Museum on the second floor, with a stroller, is a joke. There is a huge staircase and a huge escalator, but no elevator. After searcing for several minutes, we finally found an elevator on the opposite side of the building from where the Museum was. So, we go up in the elevator, figuring that we would simply walk the 12 steps to the entrance of the Museum. As we were about to start walking, an employee sprints over to us and points out that they are setting up for a wedding and we can't go through here. The conversation went like this:

- Me: "I can see you're setting up, but no one is here yet and the entrance is right over there."
- Douchebag: "We're setting up for a wedding."
- Me: "Right. Well what if we just run right over there and you pretend that you don't see us."
- Douchebag: "We're setting up for a wedding. You can't go there."
- Me: "Ok, fine. Can you tell us another way to get over to the Museum?"
- Douchebag: "I don't know."
- Me: "That's very helpful; thank you." (Spoken like I want to light him on fire and pour his remains into the wedding's fondue fountain)
- Douchebag: "You're welcome." (Spoken like he has no idea how much I hate him)

Would it have been so hard to let us walk the 12 steps to the Museum? Would it have been so hard to train this employee to know where the other elevators in Navy Pier are located? Unreal.

2) After the Museum, we noticed that there was a magic store outside. Magic happens to be a hobby of mine, so I thought that we would walk in for a minute and see if they were selling anything interesting. We walk in and there is one employee standing there. We wait patiently until he is done talking to the only other customer in the store. He then looks at me and the conversation goes something like this:

- Me: "What new tricks do you guys have?"
- Waste Of Space: "We don't have anything new."
- Me: "Really? Nothing new... at all?"
- Waste Of Space: "Our inventory has been the same for the last 15 years."
- Me: "How exciting! Could you please show us your best trick?"
- Waste Of Space: "We do product demonstrations once an hour."

Umm, ok. This guy hasn't had a new product since the early '90's. He sits around waiting for people to come into his magic trick store... hoping to buy magic tricks... and then tells them that he can't show them the magic tricks. What exactly is his job?? Putz.

3) Every store in Navy Pier sucks. Seriously, do people really buy magnets? Or caricatures? Or hats with flashing lights on them? Or 3-gallon buckets of cheese popcorn? You know what would be cool? If there was at least one thing at Navy Pier that didn't make me want to leave the building immediately.

4) We finally went to Joe's Be-Bop Cafe for dinner. The menu looked decent and there were plenty of kids around so we thought this place would be fine. We were sitting at the table for about 10 minutes when the live music started. To say that the band was "loud" would be like saying that the stock market is "down"; it doesn't even scratch the surface. My daughter must have thought there was an earthquake; we couldn't hear each other talk... even when we were yelling; the waitress couldn't hear our dinner orders; you get the idea. We all basically sat there eating silently because we couldn't have heard each other anyway. Note to restaurant owners: if the music is so loud that it impacts your digestion, try turning it down a notch, ok?

5) Why are churros only sold at lame places like amusement parks and Navy Pier? Either churros completely suck and they shouldn't be sold anywhere, or churros kick ass and they should be available everywhere. What am I missing here?

The Gym

With a 3-month old daughter, it sometimes feels like the only things I do are go to work, sleep, and play with her for a few minutes before she goes to sleep. Luckily I've still been able to get the gym for a little while every now and then. Every time I'm at the gym, I'm amazed at how many things make absolutely no sense... but don't even phase me until after I'm gone.

1) Gyms are disgusting. Normally, I'm a very hygenic person. I don't like germs. I wash my hands constantly during the day. Out in the real world, if someone is drenched in their own bodily fluids, waving suits me just fine. In the gym, people sweat. A lot. They sweat on themselves; they sweat on the weights they're using; they sweat on the cardio equipment. Those people that aren't content to merely wipe the sweat away with their own sweaty hands, have a terrific alternative; a towel. No cleaning supplies; no anti-bacterial products... just a towel that rests on either the floor or on the equipment that everyone else has been sweating on. When they're done using the sweaty equipment, some people have the decency to use their sweaty towel to dry off the fresh sweat, but this doesn't really clean anything. The cure for Alzheimer's is probably living on the machine I was using yesterday, but all I did was sweat all over it and then put it on my towel.

2) For people who lift weights, one of the things that any personal trainer will try to pound into your head is that "form is much more important than how much weight you lift", because poor form can easily cause back problems, muscle tears, etc. That said, it is extremely common to see an otherwise average guy lifting Herculean quantities of weights. These idiots do everything except hook up a pully to the ceiling in an effort to curl 20 extra pounds. Hey Chuck Norris, why don't you stop trying to do 1 rep of 400 pounds and spend some time not being in traction. The only time looking this ridiculous is actually acceptable is when a 10 year old girl could lift more weight than you. In that case, form be damned.

3) People who actually can read a book or magazine while using an elliptical machine. Some small part of me understand that people can do this while riding a bike because your upper body doesn't move. I don't know about you, but when I'm on elliptical my head is experiencing the equivalent of a 9.5 earthquake. I move around like I'm caught in some kind of magnetic field. I couldn't read for 5 seconds much less 30 minutes. Plus, you people are reading things like US Weekly or the Chicago Tribune. I don't know about you but when I'm working out I like to feel a little bit inspired. I listen to music with a fast tempo in an effort to stay motivated. Reading about the Olsen twins' eating disorders, how many points the Dow fell, or Madonna's divorce just makes me want to go home.

4) Newsflash: cotton is no longer permitted in the gym. Every person in the gym, regardless of their size and shape now wears either spandex or something made by Under Armour. Have you even tried to find a cotton t-shirt lately. If you want to feel badly about yourself, go to a sporting goods store. Unless you're a heroine addict or a 12 year old boy, good luck fitting into those clothes.

** Note to my daughter: just put a treadmill in your basement.

Rough Day

You ever have one of those days where you do a lot of really stupid things? I'm talking about REALLY stupid things. I'm talking about things like taking the top off of a bottle full of breast milk, and THEN shaking it up. We all have days like that, right? Well I feel like I'm right in the middle of one. So, rather than always ripping on everyone else's stupidity, I figured I would mention several things I've done during the last 24 hours that make absolutely no sense.

1) Shaving shouldn't be that hard anymore. I've been shaving multiple times a week for well over 15 years. Yet for some reason, every now and then, it feels like the first time I've ever done it. Yesterday morning there was a spot on my neck that I just couldn't shave properly. Like a complete asshole, I kept hacking away at my neck to get the smooth shave that I apparently needed so desparately. The result? OUCH! It felt like someone had dragged barbed wire across my face. My neck looks like it auditioned for Freddy vs. Jason. It was bleeding in about 12 spots for the better part of an hour. Naturally, I chose to wear a white t-shirt yesterday and the collar now looks like a leper's loin cloth.

2) I have two dogs. Both dogs poop every day. I took the dogs out this morning and immediately stepped in crap. Then they went to the bathroom and the bag that I had with me had a hole in it. How did I find that out? Easy, I got shit on my hand. By the time I got back inside I looked like a homeless guy that had been sleeping in the dumpster behind a Taco Bell.

3) You ever make oatmeal? Not that hard, right? Except when you go to stir it and you splash oatmeal-water all over your khakis. You know the only thing worse than a stain on your pants? Thinking it makes perfect sense to use a lot of water to wash off a drop-sized stain. Now I look like my junk went through a car wash.

4) So I was on the train this morning and I start watching a movie on my iPhone. As the train starts filling up, I start getting more and more anxious because there is a greater likelihood that I might have to hold on to something in the train for balance. As a sidenote, you should know I have a mild phobia of the germs that live on the hand rails in trains. In general, I would rather drink my urine or sit through an episode of America's Next Top Model... than touch train metal with my bare hands. This might be hard to explain, but rather than hold on to a hand rail, I put my entire arm through the hand rail so that only my clothed elbow was touching it. As more people crammed on to the train, the pressure on my wrist increased. Despite the shooting pain in my right arm, I stayed like that until my headphone cord got caught on someone's backpack and ripped the phone out of my hand. So, the phone fell on to the ground and when I went to pick it up, one hand touched the ground and I needed to grab the other rail with my other hand for balance.

Fuck me.

Herpes and Crabs and Scabies, Oh My!!!

I read an article on CNN this morning and I simply couldn't let it go unanswered. Apparently, since 2004, a website called http://www.inspot.org/ will send someone an annonymous email to let them know that they should get checked out for a sexually transmitted disease. So, rather than telling the person that you might have given them something, the website can do it for you. You can choose from a variety of way-cool email templates that look something like this:

The most disturbing thing to me about this website, is not merely that it exists (though that is absolutey mind-boggling). No, the most disturbing thing is that CNN is actually reporting that a site like this is a good idea! http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/conditions/10/21/std.e-cards/index.html There are a couple things about this irresponsible and ultimately harmful reporting that make no sense to me:

1) This can't be a good idea. Funny? Yes. Good for pranks? Sure. But the notion that health professionals are actually behind something like this is unreal. What about educating people about how not to spread STD's in the first place? What about encouraging the infected to be honest with the people they cared enough about to hook up with in the first place? What about supporting some minimal level of accountability rather than just letting people hide behind a flirtatious and annonymous email? What about apologizing for making their crotch itch?

2) Is an email really the best way to let someone know that they have an STD?? Personally, there are about a thousand ways I would rather find out than from an email; they are so cold and impersonal. (a) What about STD Singing Telegrams? I don't know about you, but if I could reasonably expect a pelvic discharge in the near future, I would sure like to hear about it through melodic rhyme. (b) 1-800-FLOWERS could start offering the Syphillis basket! It could be full of twigs and pinecones and it could include a clever card like, "Not what you expected? Join the club." (c) What about skywriting? Wouldn't it be great to be at a baseball game on a nice summer day and have forty-thousand people simultaneously realize that you have genital herpes? (d) Text message. This is a no brainer. How easy would it be to send a text? "Plz dnt h8 me. I gv u the clap."

Just to name a few.

** Note to my daughter: just say what's on your mind.

Daddy Day Care

This was the first weekend that my wife went out of town since our daughter was born. No question, I expected to feel something like this:

Shockingly, the weekend went pretty well. There are still a few things that don't make sense to me...

1) It would be pretty cool if the companies that design baby bottles could figure out a way for me to avoid getting breast milk on my hands every time I fill up a bottle. I don't really consider myself to be a squeamish person, but ew.

2) When she goes to sleep at 7:30pm, she wakes up at 4:30am. Clearly, I'm not a mathematician or physicist, but if she goes to sleep later, she should sleep later, right? Wrong. Not sure if all of you know this, but apparently babies are wired so that at precisely two hours before you would otherwise start your day, they magically wake up. No matter what. Early Childhood Development experts call this the Awwshit Reflex.

3) Note to self: do not play spaceship immediately after the baby eats.

4) Every night for the last three months, we give the baby a bath. Every night for the last three months, she cries right before she gets into the bath. Every night for the last three months, she giggles and clearly loves the bath. Every night for the last three months, she cries when she gets out of the bath. Does this make sense to anyone???

5) I'm pretty sure that the new face she makes right before she cries; the one where her eyes get wattery and her lower lip starts to quiver and stick out in a frown... I'm pretty sure THAT look is going to be the single most expensive thing in my entire life.

Totally Random

For some reason I'm having a hard time figuring out what to write about. So, instead of just writing about one thing, I thought I would mention a few random things I'm thinking about this morning:

1) Sarah Palin is apparently set to appear on Saturday Night Live this Saturday night. Here is the picture that CNN used to report this story:
Now maybe I just have babies on the brain, but it looks to me like she is pumping breast milk in this picture rather than simply promoting her SNL appearance. You betcha!

2) The world's largest "super-yacht" is apparently 160 meters long and named "The Dubai".
I'm not an economist, but I think the price of Middle Eastern oil might be ever-so-slightly higher than necessary if they can afford yachts that actually contain submarines. You read that right. That would be like buying a car that had a motorcycle inside. I know that I shouldn't be critical of the Middle East's excess. After all, look at all the positive things that region has done for the planet... like, umm... umm... actually, I can't think of anything.

3) CNN reported this morning that the song "Stayin' Alive might be more true to its name than the Bee Gees ever could have guessed: At 103 beats per minute, the old disco song has almost the perfect rhythm to help jump-start a stopped heart."
Apparently the University of Illinois conducted a study that demonstrated that 100 is the ideal number of heart compressions that should be performed each minute during CPR. As an interesting sidenote, Divinyl's "I Touch Myself" has the exact number of beats necessary for keeping busy on an otherwise boring and lonely Saturday night.

4) OJ Simpson is a fucking idiot. There's not any particular reason for this to come up today, but I was thinking about Saturday Night Fever and for some reason that made me think about Naked Gun. What kind of a schmuck commits murder, gets acquitted, and then commits another major crime over some sports memorabilia. He should get life and then the electric chair.

Be Someone Else

With the election only 20 days away and the last of the Presidential debates airing tonight, both Republican and Democratic campaigns are still in full swing. Earlier today, former Vice President Dan Quayle had some words of advice for Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin about how to deal with the spotlight and some of the criticism she has been receiving(http://www.theindychannel.com/news/17721346/detail.html):

"Don't let them take anything away from you. Just go out and be yourself."

Am I the only one with more than a couple problems with this entire situation? Here's what really makes no sense to me:

1) I really don't think Dan Quayle is the right person to be giving public relations advice. Admittedly, I think it was ridiculous that he got such a bad reputation for stupid non-issues like misspelling the word "potatoE". However, despite his best efforts, he was a disaster in the spotlight. Really, I think the issue here is credibility. You don't see Senator Larry Craig or New York Governor Elliot Spitzer giving spotlight advice, do you? Know why? Because when these people were in the spotlight, they insured that late-night talk show hosts would have solid material for months. They were the public relations equivalent of the Titanic. Maybe Palin should be receiving advice from people that didn't hit an iceberg? Just a thought.

2) "Don't let them take anything away from you." I think this would be very dangerous advice to follow. In fact, I think Palin should let "them" take the Katie Couric interview away from her; she should let "them" take away all the words in her vocabulary that end with "cha"; and she should most definitely let "them" take away the widespread panic that would overwhelm every man, woman and child in the country if anything ever happened to McCain. I think Palin should let "them" take those things away as quickly as possible. Preferably before November 4th.

3) "Just go out and be yourself." Again, I think this is probably the most dangerous advice Palin could possibly follow. "Being herself" is a huge part of the reason that 50% of the country (according to CNN's most recent Poll of Polls) is having serious doubts about voting for McCain. Here's a brief list of people that I think it would make more sense for Palin to "go out and be", rather than herself:
- Kay Bailey Hutchison
- Posh Spice
- Hillary Clinton
- Pink
- Tina Fey
- Rudy Giuliani
- Mary Kate Olsen

** Note to my daughter: Unsolicited advice is a dangerous thing.

Screw You Ringo Starr

Apparently former Beatle Ringo Starr is sick and tired of having fans. In a video posted on his website (http://www.ringostarr.com/home.php), Ringo tells all of his fans in no uncertain terms:

"I want to tell you please... do not send fan mail to any address that you have. Nothing will be signed after the 20th of October. If that is the date on the envelope, it's gonna be tossed... I'm warning you with peace and love I have too much to do. So no more fan mail, thank you, thank you, and no objects to be signed. Nothing."

Shockingly, there are a few things about Ringo's statement that make no sense to me:

1) "Do not send fan mail". Call me out of touch, but does Ringo actually have any fans? Obviously The Beatles have tons of fans; I'm pretty sure that Paul McCartney has a lot of fans too. Is anyone really a fan of only Ringo? Honestly, I think that Brainy Smurf has more fans than Ringo does.

2) "I'm warning you with peace and love". To me, this is a lot like saying "no offense, but you're ugly". Peace and love are not used for warning people. Peace and love are typically reserved for thanking people that still give a shit about you even though you haven't done anything of value since before they were born.

3) "I have too much to do". Really? You're too busy to simply receive fan mail? I think the general public fails to grasp how hard it must be to be a has-been. Think about it. You have to wake up every day and be 110% committed to your downhill journey. It's unbearably overwhelming to know that every day you get further and further from the only time in your life that you weren't a complete douche.

On October 19th, maybe I'll send Ringo this picture for him to sign:

(Asshole)

The Odyssey

About two months ago, we realized that whenever our daughter is riding in the car with us, she faces the back of the car and it must therefore be extremely boring for her. Since she craves stimulation every moment of her awake life, we decided something had to be done.

Belive it or not, there is an entire class of products specifically designed to combat this exact situation: mirrors. By attaching a mirror to the back seat of the car, the driver can look into their rear-view mirror, thereby seeing into the additional mirror and being able to stare at the baby. I'm pretty sure that if a third mirror were somehow incorporated into the car, we could travel through time, but I digress.

So, we decided to pursue our dream and purchase one of these mirrors... but quite simply, I had no idea we would have to journey into the depths of Hell to make this dream a reality. Here are several parts of this tragic endeavor that make no sense to me:

1) Have you ever shopped at Babies R Us? I'm pretty sure that to be an employee at this store, you have to somehow survive the following grueling interview:
- Interviewer: Are you alive?
- Job Applicant: Yes.
- Interviewer: Good! Do you have any references that can vouch for your intelligence or offer proof that you graduated from 2nd Grade?
- Job Applicant: No.
- Interviewer: Well, I can't say this "officially" until I get approval from HQ, but welcome to the Babies R Us family.

2) After spending fifteen minutes trying to find an employee to help us locate a mirror, we finally stumbled on to them ourselves. To be honest, they all look like crap. These things don't look anything like real mirrors. They basically look like somone put tin foil over a curved piece of colored plastic. I couldn't recognize myself in the "mirror" even though I was standing three inches away. I had no idea how I would recognize my child from four feet away, while driving! Anyway, after spending another fifteen minutes in line, we were finally able to leave the store and head home.

3) We tried to install the mirror in the parking lot. This was impossible because we didn't have a screwdriver. Why would we need a screwdriver? Becasue the battery compartment is kept shut with a screw. Why is it kept shut with a screw? Because that is what Satan would do. When I got home, I counted up all of the things in my house that have battery compartments; there are 8,012 of them. Know how many are so fragile that they need to be locked in place with a screw? None. I can understand things like cabinet doors, shelves, furniture... those things need screws to stay together. The only thing a battery door does, is come off! Why would you lock that in place with a screw?

4) So, we finally got the mirror home and installed batteries. Drum roll please... the mirror didn't work. The songs don't play; the lights don't light; frankly the only thing that works properly is the battery compartment door. Back to Babies R Us for a different model.

5) At least this time we knew where to find the mirrors and we picked up the Lexus of baby mirrors. This thing even has a remote control. Naturally, it takes 6 batteries to work, but the good news is that this mirror actually worked! Interestingly, it has no on/off switch or clear controls, but the remote control can at least change the song that is played so that we don't kill ourselves.

6) Everything was fine for three days. At that point we learned that our mirror was haunted and every ten minutes, right in the middle of an otherwise tranquil tune, an ear-piercing noise that sounds like an elephant making a mating call and being hit with a small tactical nuclear weapon would escape the Devil machine. It scared the baby and nearly made me drive off the road; every single time.

7) Trip #3 to Babies R Us consisted of returning mirror #2 and demanding that someone bring me a screwdriver so that I could demo mirror #3 before I left the store. Twenty minutes and a package of batteries later, it became clear that mirror #3 didn't work either. In a fit of rage, I said to the salesperson, "we're not buying this, it doesn't work." I have to hand it to the Babies R Us customer service staff. In the face of my obvious anger and frustration, which of the following was her response:

A- I'm sorry sir, let me run and get you another one.
B- I'm sorry sir, let me get my manager to see if we can get you a discount on a working model.
C- I'm sorry sir, why don't I call the manufacturere and enlist their aid in a designing a product that doesn't completely suck ass.
D- Umm, ok.

You guessed it, D. I could understand if the janitor didn't really care about our problem. I could understand if a cashier didn't really care. But, maybe Babies R Us should train the employees that handle their returns, to care a little that their products are horrible and the overall shopping experience could accurately be compared to Pearl Harbor.

** Notes to my daughter:
1) Don't work at Babies R Us. People will assume that you are medically brain dead and will ultimately want to hurt you.
2) If at first you don't succeed, fight the urge to kill someone.

Crazy Times

It seems like you can't do anything these days without some journalist, celebrity, or politician talking about how crazy these times are. With a presidential election less than a month away, a global economy in the midst of an unprecedented meltdown, both the Cubs and White Sox knocked out of the playoffs, and Brad and Angelina talking about adopting another child, there can be no question that the world is a little upside-down. So, here are a couple random things that I'm thinking about...

Somone emailed me this picture this morning and I had to post it immediately. When McCain keeps talking about "reaching across the aisle", I naturally assumed that he was talking about bipartisan cooperation. Now I'm not so sure. I have to say that if I were going to pick a candidate based solely on their sexual prowess, I would have to say that Obama is the clear winner here. In looking at this picture, I think McCain looks like he was embalmed and recently laid to rest. Obama, on the other hand, looks like he is really enjoying the moment. I can't fathom how Obama, after hearing all of the negative attacks that the Republicans have been slinging at him, can still simultaneously summon enough lust and tenderness to give McCain this kind of loving. Maybe that is the kind of passion that Washington really needs after all.

The caption from this picture was, "We Can Solve This Crisis!" I'm no forensic expert, but doesn't this look like W is finishing up at a urinal rather than tackling the economy? If by "crisis", you mean "a few drops of pee on your suit", then yes... I belive you can solve that crisis. Anything beyond that Mr. President and I think you should probably defer to people that are smarter and more trustworthy than you. No offense.

Given that the financial sector has slightly more stability than Hugh Hefner's list of girlfriends, a bunch of Wall Street traders took a ten minute break this morning to play a highly competitive game of Simon Says.

As long as I'm on the subject of Hef, you might have heard that he has broken up with one of his girlfriends. To quote the news article, "Playboy founder Hefner, 82, has revealed that model Holly Madison, 28, left him when they discovered he could not father children because of his age." Somehow, Hefner will have to make due with Holly's replacements...

Yes, those are really his new girlfriends, and yes... these are crazy, crazy times.

McCain vs. Obama (Round 2)

When I saw this picture, I assumed that all of the political attacks of the last week had finally come to an end. Honestly, it looks like Obama is going to slip Johnny the tongue here. But, alas, it was merely a picture advertising the second presidential debate that aired last night (moderated by Tom Brokaw). I can't help but point out the top ten things that really made no sense to me:

1) Does anyone else think that McCain is a bit of a close talker? As McCain started to answer the first question, he kept moving closer and closer to the audience member that asked the question. For a second, I thought he was going to go sit in his lap. It's called personal space, look into it.

2) The third question of the night was asked by audience member Oliver Clark. He asked, "Well, Senators, through this economic crisis, most of the people that I know have had a difficult time. And through this bailout package, I was wondering what it is that's going to actually help those people out." This question is full of things that piss me off. First of all Ollie, you look like you are 20 years old. Most of the people that you know are drunk, stoned, or work at a Blockbuster Video. Second, why don't you try writing a question that doesn't sound like it was written by a coma patient. Finally, why don't you try doing a little research before you go on national television. With your 15 seconds of fame, maybe you could come up with a slightly more compelling question than "umm, could you summarize the bailout for me". I know, I know... information about the bailout is pretty hard to find; it's only in every magazine, newspapaer, website and news show in the world right now.

3) Brokaw: "Senator McCain, in all candor, do you think the economy is going to get worse before it gets better?"
McCain: "I think it depends on what we do."
No kidding? And here I was all this time thinking that the economy was a force of nature that functions entirely independently of "what we do". Go figure.

4) McCain: "Nailing down Sen. Obama's various tax proposals is like nailing Jell-O to the wall". With logic like that, I can't help but think that Senator McCain probably failed the Analogies section of the SAT's. I think he's trying to say that Obama's tax proposals are tough to decipher. In no way does that mean that Jell-O on a wall is hard to decipher. On the other hand, I suppose he might mean that Obama's tax proposals are cube-shaped and sticky and go great with a little vodka, but I really need more information here.

5) Did Obama really vote in favor of a $3 Million overhead projector at the Chicago Planetarium? Nothing solves an economic crisis like a clearer view of Cassiopaea. Can you imagine if FDR had annouced his New Deal (come on people, that was how we climbed out of the Great Depression; brush up on your history once in awhile) by saying something like, "we have to cut spending; tighten Orion's Belt a little bit and make real sacrifices". Astronomy is not exactly a critical issue right now.

6) Did President Bush really say that "the stock market got drunk"? That's something Ross Perot would have said.

7) McCain: "it's not that hard to fix Social Security... Social Security is not that tough. We know what the problems are, my friends, and we know what the fixes are. We've got to sit down together across the table. It's been done before." What a relief, we know what the fixes are! Then why isn't it fixed? Is it me, or might McCain be oversimplifying a tad.

8) I think Brokaw was ready to start beating the shit out of the candidates if they didn't stay within their allotted time limits. Calm down Tom.

9) Obama: "We're spending $10 billion a month in Iraq at a time when the Iraqis have a $79 billion surplus, $79 billion." I'm sorry, but if that is really true... that's fucked.

10) If you were playing a drinking game where you had to take a shot every time McCain said "my friends", there is no way you could have gone into work today.

R.I.P. - 1978 - 2008

It is official. The "me" that I used to be, is gone. Over. Finished. Done. The "me" that I had gotten to know over the last thirty years and was pretty fond of, is nowhere to be found. In my place is something unimagineable; something bordering on insanity... a Dad. I know what you're thinking: "come on, this happens to every new parent; you just have to get used to your new life". That might be true for some of you, but the part of this whole transformation that really makes no sense to me, is that I truly believe that my daughter has orchestrated the whole thing.

Pretty cute, right? Looks innocent? Definitely. You would never think that someone that looks like this, with only twelve weeks of experience living, could possible be devious or manipulative. I submit to you... evidence:

While we have been busy "trying to get used to our new life", I am convined that my daughter has been slowly plotting her takeover of my mind. I don't think like the old Me. I don't act like the old Me. And my daughter is loving every minute of it. How am I so vastly different than I was three short months ago? I'll give you a few examples:

1) The old Me would notice an attractive woman walking on the street. The new Dad that has taken over sees a woman with large breasts and has only one thought. How long has it been since SHE pumped? All part of my daughter's master plan to make sure that her milk is the one and only priority.

2) The old Me would have been content to sit on the couch on Sundays watching any and every football game that was on TV. The new Dad has managed to watch one quarter of Bears football so far this season. The highlight? My daughter throwing up all over me. That'll teach me.

3) The old Me might be caught whistling some new song that I had heard on the radio. The new Dad was singing "Here I go loop-dee-loo" in the shower this morning. Not surprisingly, my daughter could hear me and was laughing the entire time.

4) The old Me would miss my wife if she was going out of town for a weekend... but would be excited to have a weekend alone to go out drinking with the guys or play cards, etc. The new Dad has nightmares about the first time my wife will leave Dad and daughter home alone for more than four hours.

I'm not saying that this transformation is devoid of rewards; I'm just saying that the people who claim that this is merely an "adjustment" should be beaten to death with a sippy cup. Calling the paradigm shift from happily-married-man to parenthood an "adjustment" is like calling our current economic problems a "misunderstanding". It really just makes no sense.

** Note to my daughter: your punishment for this evil plot will be to endure years of stories about the person I used to be :)

The News

Some of you might not be aware that the United States is experiencing a bit of an economic crisis. Banks are closing; borrowing has become difficult if not impossible; buying office buildings has therefore become difficult if not impossible. So in an effort to stay current on everything that is going on, I frequently read http://www.cnn.com/ for my news. Here are a random sample of some of today's headlines:

1) http://money.cnn.com/2008/10/06/news/economy/depression_poll/index.htm

- "Poll: 60% say Depression Likely"

No shit. My question is, where are the other 40% of you? I would like to sit down with the 4 out of 10 people that think a Depression is UN-likely. Maybe you guys should try reading a newspaper, or watching the news, or even talking to someone who has been alive over the last six months. News flash: it's pretty likely.


2) http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/06/athlete.ice.cube.video.ap/index.html

- "Dead athlete's relatives star in Ice Cube video"

Please don't misunderstand, I am not a fan of death. Death sucks. It sucks for the athlete and it undoubtedly sucks for the athlete's relatives. However, I'm not sure that getting in touch with their inner-gangsta will truly aid in the healing process. Moreover, I'm not sure why this qualifies as news.


3) http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/worklife/10/06/cb.negotiate.at.work/index.html

- "No raise? Negotiate instead for these perks"

These are tough times. I expected to read this article and get some terrific and extremely practical alternatives to financial compensation; I expect nothing less from CNN. However, their suggestions left a little bit to be desired:
- "Companies may be also open to allowing workers who are seeking more time away from the office an option to take unpaid time." WTF?? In what universe is additional unpaid time off of work considered an equal alternative to a salary increase???
- "Many workplaces have casual Fridays, but you may be able to negotiate a more relaxed dress code for every day of the week." Oh thank heavens. I can't afford to buy groceries, but at least now I can wear chinos instead of slacks. That should help me make ends meet.
- "Supplying employees with pedometers, water bottles and other items that support wellness initiatives." Let's pretend for one second that this suggestion doesn't make me want to hurt someone. Let's pretend that a brand new water bottle would in any way make up for the fact that my 401k is worth 60% of what it was six months ago. Even if that were true, these things still cost money! Why not put your brand new pedometer on your wrist, walk yourself over to the store where you bought all these water bottles, return everything, and then give the money to your employees instead. Idiots.

All of this was on CNN's website today. Is it any wonder that the rest of the world doesn't really take us seriously??

** Note to my daughter: please apply some common sense to whatever you read.

Child's Play

Do you see how happy this kid looks? That's because he has absolutely no idea whatsoever what his parents and grandparents have to go through to put this "Exer-Saucer" together. If he had any clue that the serene toy that he's virtually trapped in, required a team of people to assemble it and originally consisted of over fifty parts, he might not be so happy.

I must point out that I had nothing to do with the assembly of this thing, but I did watch three well-educated, intelligent people work for the better part of two hours with an inordinate amount of confusion.

So, later I looked at the company's website to see if the confusion was justified or not. To say the least, a few things about the "Exer-Saucer" are disturbing to me.

1) "Requires 9 AAA batteries". Seriously? I have a Universal Remote that controls a television, stereo, Nintendo Wii, xBox 360, a DVD player, a VCR and a ton of other things that I don't even use it for. It uses 2 AAA batteries. But the "Exer-Saucer" with it's virtually limitless technological prowess requires 9 AAA batteries. That makes no sense.

2) "Fun Pond Theme". Really? If you look at the picture and imagine that this thing is, in fact, a pond... then that puts the child almost neck-deep in pond-water. I'm still relatively new to the whole baby concept, but that doesn't seem like a particularly fun theme to me.

3) "Folds flat for travel". The box that this thing came in is larger than the trunk of my SUV. If it was capable of being compacted into a much smaller size, why didn't they take advantage of that before shipping it to us in a refrigerator box?

Thanks for all of your help putting this thing together!!

** Note to my daughter: always appreciate what your loved ones do for you.

Homecoming

Last night I went out for dinner at Biaggi's. Lucky for us, it was also the night that every high school kid that managed to get themselves a date to Homecoming... wound up at Biaggi's for dinner. Based on what I heard last night, I have several observations; in no particular order:

1) Every high school kid is a loser. Period.

2) Apparently high school girls no longer wear skirts; they wear underwear that matches whatever blouse they are wearing. Good for them!

3) It actually made me feel awesome to know that I have had more ass than every guy in that restaurant. Pathetic, I know.

4) To the kid at the end of the table that was on his cell phone for the entire night, stop that. Everyone you know is here. Wrap up your important call and get back to striking out with your date.

5) To the girl at the end of the table that kept looking longingly at the oh-so-important conversation that the popular girls were having for the entire night, let me tell you something that you won't believe. Over time, being an outsider is going to make you depressed. You will likely start dressing in darker clothes, dye your hair, etc. Only years later will you realize that you were the coolest person at that table by far.

6) GQ note to all the men out there: white dress shirts are not cool anymore. Standard attire for a high school dance is now black pants, black shirt and tie. Sport coats are SO 1990's.

7) Please kids, I know your hormones are raging and you all believe that you are in love, but that is no excuse for french kissing at the table.

8) Hitting your glass with a fork for two hours does not make you cool, it makes you annoying.

** Note to my daughter: when you get to High School, please just be yourself.