R.I.P. - 1978 - 2008

It is official. The "me" that I used to be, is gone. Over. Finished. Done. The "me" that I had gotten to know over the last thirty years and was pretty fond of, is nowhere to be found. In my place is something unimagineable; something bordering on insanity... a Dad. I know what you're thinking: "come on, this happens to every new parent; you just have to get used to your new life". That might be true for some of you, but the part of this whole transformation that really makes no sense to me, is that I truly believe that my daughter has orchestrated the whole thing.

Pretty cute, right? Looks innocent? Definitely. You would never think that someone that looks like this, with only twelve weeks of experience living, could possible be devious or manipulative. I submit to you... evidence:

While we have been busy "trying to get used to our new life", I am convined that my daughter has been slowly plotting her takeover of my mind. I don't think like the old Me. I don't act like the old Me. And my daughter is loving every minute of it. How am I so vastly different than I was three short months ago? I'll give you a few examples:

1) The old Me would notice an attractive woman walking on the street. The new Dad that has taken over sees a woman with large breasts and has only one thought. How long has it been since SHE pumped? All part of my daughter's master plan to make sure that her milk is the one and only priority.

2) The old Me would have been content to sit on the couch on Sundays watching any and every football game that was on TV. The new Dad has managed to watch one quarter of Bears football so far this season. The highlight? My daughter throwing up all over me. That'll teach me.

3) The old Me might be caught whistling some new song that I had heard on the radio. The new Dad was singing "Here I go loop-dee-loo" in the shower this morning. Not surprisingly, my daughter could hear me and was laughing the entire time.

4) The old Me would miss my wife if she was going out of town for a weekend... but would be excited to have a weekend alone to go out drinking with the guys or play cards, etc. The new Dad has nightmares about the first time my wife will leave Dad and daughter home alone for more than four hours.

I'm not saying that this transformation is devoid of rewards; I'm just saying that the people who claim that this is merely an "adjustment" should be beaten to death with a sippy cup. Calling the paradigm shift from happily-married-man to parenthood an "adjustment" is like calling our current economic problems a "misunderstanding". It really just makes no sense.

** Note to my daughter: your punishment for this evil plot will be to endure years of stories about the person I used to be :)

The News

Some of you might not be aware that the United States is experiencing a bit of an economic crisis. Banks are closing; borrowing has become difficult if not impossible; buying office buildings has therefore become difficult if not impossible. So in an effort to stay current on everything that is going on, I frequently read http://www.cnn.com/ for my news. Here are a random sample of some of today's headlines:

1) http://money.cnn.com/2008/10/06/news/economy/depression_poll/index.htm

- "Poll: 60% say Depression Likely"

No shit. My question is, where are the other 40% of you? I would like to sit down with the 4 out of 10 people that think a Depression is UN-likely. Maybe you guys should try reading a newspaper, or watching the news, or even talking to someone who has been alive over the last six months. News flash: it's pretty likely.


2) http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/06/athlete.ice.cube.video.ap/index.html

- "Dead athlete's relatives star in Ice Cube video"

Please don't misunderstand, I am not a fan of death. Death sucks. It sucks for the athlete and it undoubtedly sucks for the athlete's relatives. However, I'm not sure that getting in touch with their inner-gangsta will truly aid in the healing process. Moreover, I'm not sure why this qualifies as news.


3) http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/worklife/10/06/cb.negotiate.at.work/index.html

- "No raise? Negotiate instead for these perks"

These are tough times. I expected to read this article and get some terrific and extremely practical alternatives to financial compensation; I expect nothing less from CNN. However, their suggestions left a little bit to be desired:
- "Companies may be also open to allowing workers who are seeking more time away from the office an option to take unpaid time." WTF?? In what universe is additional unpaid time off of work considered an equal alternative to a salary increase???
- "Many workplaces have casual Fridays, but you may be able to negotiate a more relaxed dress code for every day of the week." Oh thank heavens. I can't afford to buy groceries, but at least now I can wear chinos instead of slacks. That should help me make ends meet.
- "Supplying employees with pedometers, water bottles and other items that support wellness initiatives." Let's pretend for one second that this suggestion doesn't make me want to hurt someone. Let's pretend that a brand new water bottle would in any way make up for the fact that my 401k is worth 60% of what it was six months ago. Even if that were true, these things still cost money! Why not put your brand new pedometer on your wrist, walk yourself over to the store where you bought all these water bottles, return everything, and then give the money to your employees instead. Idiots.

All of this was on CNN's website today. Is it any wonder that the rest of the world doesn't really take us seriously??

** Note to my daughter: please apply some common sense to whatever you read.

Child's Play

Do you see how happy this kid looks? That's because he has absolutely no idea whatsoever what his parents and grandparents have to go through to put this "Exer-Saucer" together. If he had any clue that the serene toy that he's virtually trapped in, required a team of people to assemble it and originally consisted of over fifty parts, he might not be so happy.

I must point out that I had nothing to do with the assembly of this thing, but I did watch three well-educated, intelligent people work for the better part of two hours with an inordinate amount of confusion.

So, later I looked at the company's website to see if the confusion was justified or not. To say the least, a few things about the "Exer-Saucer" are disturbing to me.

1) "Requires 9 AAA batteries". Seriously? I have a Universal Remote that controls a television, stereo, Nintendo Wii, xBox 360, a DVD player, a VCR and a ton of other things that I don't even use it for. It uses 2 AAA batteries. But the "Exer-Saucer" with it's virtually limitless technological prowess requires 9 AAA batteries. That makes no sense.

2) "Fun Pond Theme". Really? If you look at the picture and imagine that this thing is, in fact, a pond... then that puts the child almost neck-deep in pond-water. I'm still relatively new to the whole baby concept, but that doesn't seem like a particularly fun theme to me.

3) "Folds flat for travel". The box that this thing came in is larger than the trunk of my SUV. If it was capable of being compacted into a much smaller size, why didn't they take advantage of that before shipping it to us in a refrigerator box?

Thanks for all of your help putting this thing together!!

** Note to my daughter: always appreciate what your loved ones do for you.

Homecoming

Last night I went out for dinner at Biaggi's. Lucky for us, it was also the night that every high school kid that managed to get themselves a date to Homecoming... wound up at Biaggi's for dinner. Based on what I heard last night, I have several observations; in no particular order:

1) Every high school kid is a loser. Period.

2) Apparently high school girls no longer wear skirts; they wear underwear that matches whatever blouse they are wearing. Good for them!

3) It actually made me feel awesome to know that I have had more ass than every guy in that restaurant. Pathetic, I know.

4) To the kid at the end of the table that was on his cell phone for the entire night, stop that. Everyone you know is here. Wrap up your important call and get back to striking out with your date.

5) To the girl at the end of the table that kept looking longingly at the oh-so-important conversation that the popular girls were having for the entire night, let me tell you something that you won't believe. Over time, being an outsider is going to make you depressed. You will likely start dressing in darker clothes, dye your hair, etc. Only years later will you realize that you were the coolest person at that table by far.

6) GQ note to all the men out there: white dress shirts are not cool anymore. Standard attire for a high school dance is now black pants, black shirt and tie. Sport coats are SO 1990's.

7) Please kids, I know your hormones are raging and you all believe that you are in love, but that is no excuse for french kissing at the table.

8) Hitting your glass with a fork for two hours does not make you cool, it makes you annoying.

** Note to my daughter: when you get to High School, please just be yourself.