Vegas Baby, Vegas!!

Sorry that I haven't posted anything in a few days, but at least I have a good excuse. I was in Vegas!! Without hesitation, Vegas is one of my favorite places in the world. I've been going roughly 2-3 times a year for almost 10 years now. Despite the extensive experience that I now have with Vegas, there were several things that still made no sense to me:

1) I play a lot of poker when I'm in Vegas; not just a few hours here and there. In the first 24 hours that I was in Las Vegas, I played roughly 16 hours of poker. If you watch poker on TV, you might notice a couple differences between the professional players and me. First of all, I don't wear sunglasses. Know why? Because poker is played inside. Wearing sunglasses to play poker is like wearing an athletic cup to read a book. Why don't you take off the glasses and try to enjoy yourself a little bit dickbag. Second, I don't wear headphones at the table. Know why? Because then you can't hear anything else. Maybe these idiots should have played a little less Dungeons & Dragons as a kid; could have helped their people skills.

2) I really can't understand why someone would actually be reading Card Player Magazine... while sitting at a poker table. There can be only 3 reasons that someone would do this:
- They want me to think they're a really good poker player. That way, I might be scared of them and if they make a bet I might fold.
- They want me to think they're a really bad poker player. That way, I might try to bet too aggressively because I think they're dumb and if they actually have a good hand, I might lose.
- They're a really big fucking loser.

3) So I was sitting at the table playing poker and made what I considered to be a relatively funny remark. Some guy two seats to my left responded by spitting his drink all over the poker table. Faux pas! Towels were used; cards were replaced; poker chips were dried off. If you can't handle something as sophisticated as drinking a beer, maybe you shouldn't be gambling for money at 4am. What's worse than spitting your drink out all over a poker table? Two hours later, when you spit out your drink again... all over the unlucky guy writing this blog. That's right, twice in one sitting this douchebag spit out his drink again because he was choking. Putz.

4) By the end of my marathon poker session, I was tired. Ok, that's an understatement. My body was so messed up that I was actually shaking. I had been awake for over 40 hours straight and I felt like my internal organs were probably going to start shutting down. At one point, I happened to be sitting there when something came out of nowhere and hit my ear. I practically fell out of my chair. I was pretty shaken up by the whole thing... until I realized that the culprit was my own finger. Yep, time for bed.

5) Why is that restaurant hostesses are beyond awful and writing down my name? What is your job? Writing down people's names! That's all you do! Isn't there some kind of test for this? If you can't routinely retain a 5-letter name, I think you might want to look into a slightly less difficult line of work... perhaps working at a toll booth?
- Stupid Hostess: "Can I get your name sir?"
- Victim: "Hearn. H. E. A. R. N."
- Stupid Hostess: "H. A. R..."
- Victim: "Nope. H. E. A. R. N."
- Stupid Hostess: "H. A..."
- Victim: "Are you kidding me right now? HEARN. Not HARN. H. E. A. R. N."
- Stupid Hostess: "H. E... what was next sir?"
- Victim: "You know what, I'm too tired for dinner anyway."

6) By Monday morning, I was so physically wrecked, that I probably needed to go home for health reasons. Obviously, I was devastated to be leaving... but one thing made it tolerable (other than seeing my family, of course). Betting on Monday Night Football :)