Cloverfield

Many of you probably know that I watch a lot of movies. There are a ton of movies that I really like; I'm very open-minded. However, there are naturally a few that I don't particularly care for. Unfortunately, every now and then, there is a movie like Cloverfield. A movie that is so incredibly horrible; so unbearably devoid of value; so purely evil in its utter lack of any redeeming qualities... that I can't help but mention it here because it was a colossal disappointment. How a movie that sounds so promising can be such crap truly makes no sense to me.

That poster looks pretty cool, don't you think? Now read the summary of the movie:

"A going-away party in Manhattan is interrupted when a mysterious, giant-sized monster launches an attack on New York City. With camcorder in hand, a small group of friends make their way out into the chaotic streets, scrambling to stay alive."

If you're into science fiction or movies like Armageddon, you would have to agree that the movie sounds at least decent. Want more proof? The movie is produced by J.J. Abrams, the guy that created Alias and Lost. So what's the problem? (Oh, if you don't want to know anything about the movie, then stop reading now)

First of all, the movie is only 84 minutes long. Even Ace Ventura was longer than that. There is literally nothing more to the movie than the summary that you just read. The movie starts out as though someone is watching a video tape that is now the property of the Department of Defense. Like the plot summary indicates, there was a party and someone ended up recording the whole night. So, think about a shittier version of The Blair Witch Project. During the course of the movie you actually get to see the monster and a lot of people die. But, that's it! By the end, everyone is dead and the viewer knows ABSOLUTELY nothing more than you do after simply reading the plot synopsis. You don't know if the monster came from Earth or if it is an alien. You don't know if the military was able to destroy it or if it is still out there threatening to wipe out the rest of the world. You never even find out what the fuck "Cloverfield" means.

I'm all for suspense and cliffhanger endings, but this is cinematic blue-balls at its absolute worst. Hey J.J., maybe you could have put a few minutes of actual plot into the movie? The minimal character development that did happen was pointless because by the time you actually start to give the tiniest shit about any of them, they die. In hindsight, my 84 minutes would have been better spent in the bathroom. At least then I wouldn't have had shit all over my iPhone.

Can't Take Anymore

After his overwhelming success with the Third Reich, I'm pretty sure that at some point in between marrying Eva Braun and committing suicide in the Führerbunker, this man somehow found the time to start another clandestine and deeply evil organization: the CTA. Only a minion of Satan could devise something as utterly fucked as the CTA is. My day started as it normally does; with me waiting for the train. While I was waiting for approximately 25 minutes, I had some time to think. I looked at the CTA train map

and realized that several things make no sense to me:

1) Why does it take 25 minutes for a train to come? Trains are supposed to come roughly every 5 minutes. By the time the train actually showed up, the platform looked like Woodstock. I think there were 100,000 people waiting for the red-line. It was absolute mayhem. Forget the fact that the arriving train was already bursting at the seams; when the doors opened it was like the running of the bulls. I understand a regular traffic jam. Some dipshit gets terrified to drive the speed limit because there is a pothole in the highway and so it takes 3 times as long as necessary to get home. That makes me want to kill someone, but at least I understand it. What the hell goes wrong on a train track?? There are no drunk drivers; no gapers delay; no bitch putting on lipstick while talking on her cell phone and driving; just trains that have rigid schedules they are supposed to keep.

2) Once I'm finally on a train, something comes over me and I turn into a complete douche. I don't know what it is, but it's basically like all of my morals and ethics go right to shit. I don't give up my seat for people; I'm reluctant to even move out of the way so that people can pass by me. I think I am the end result of 5 years of being furious at the CTA. Normally, I like to think of myself as a relatively pleasant guy, but if I met me on a train, I would want to kick me right in the balls.

3) Why do I take the train twice every single day instead of taking a cab? The obvious answer is that a cab would cost roughly $18 each way and the train only costs $2, but that can't be the only answer. When I'm standing directly underneath the chin of some gargantuan asshole with neck piercings and breath that smells like he just blew an infected barnyard animal, unable to move becuase some other schmuk's North Face duffel bag is resting on my chest, I would gladly pay $18 to be in a putrid disgusting cab.

That is SO gay!

Proposition 22 has been active in California for 8 stupid years. In a nutshell, Proposition 22 has prevented California from recognizing same-sex marriages. Finally, on May 15, 2008, the California Supreme Court ruled that any statute (like Prop. 22) that limits marriage to a relationship between a man and a woman violates the equal protection clause of the California Constitution.

On November 4th, California will be voting on an initiative measure that appears on the California General Election ballot called "Proposition 8". If passed, the proposition would change the California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in California. A new section would be added stating "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California".

I'm not only writing about this today because two of my favorite people in the whole world are gay. I'm writing about this because ignorant and moronic people get entirely too much attention in this country and anyone actually in favor of passing this measure should be castrated and deported. Here are a few of the billion reasons that this makes no sense:

1) Is it really that hard to understand what equal rights mean? Seriously?? This country was founded on the idea that all people are created free and equal. No one can possibly misinterpret that. If you have a right, I get it too. Simple, right? Honestly, I don't understand what all the bullshit is about. I don't care if it's race, gender, age, cell phone provider, or what kind of privates you prefer when the lights are off; we should all have the equal right to make these choices. Isn't that the whole point? Anyone who disagrees, shut your ignorant ass up.

2) I'm sorry, but lesbians are hot. It just needed to be said. Goverment should be encouraging this sort of activity; not limiting it.

3) What the fuck is a "civil union"? Apparently a "Civil Union" is a legal arrangement between two people that individual states can elect to recognize. Typically they offer people about 1% of the rights and privileges that are enjoyed by legally married people. Do lawmakers actually think that they are fooling anyone? Even the presidential candidates are relatively open about their support of civil unions while condemning gay marriage. You can't be for something and against it. By agreeing that civil unions are ok but being against gay marriage, you don't secure the gay vote; you secure that the gay community hates you only slightly less than every other politician that is against equal rights.

4) The "Defense of Marriage Act" was passed on September 21, 1996. Sounds like a good thing, right? Wrong. This law had two effects: (a) "no state need treat a relationship between persons of the same sex as a marriage, even if the relationship is considered a marriage in another state." (b) "The Federal Government may not treat same-sex relationships as marriages for any purpose." I think I speak for the entire same-sex community when I say that Congress needs to work on its defense. How our Federal Government can claim to be securing equal rights for all of its citizens while still authoring this kind of legislative garbage is absolutely terrifying. I sincerely hope that anyone who voted for this Act in 1996 gets trapped in an elevator with a pack of angry goth lesbians.

5) All kidding aside, how can anyone possibly be against gay marriage? Do you think that preventing gay marriage will somehow cut down on the number of gay people in this country? Do you think that preventing gay marriage will in any way reduce the amount of gay sex going on in this country? Gay people are already living together and having sex in every city in America. So what's the problem? You people actually care whether or not two in-love and fully committed people get a piece of paper that says they can visit each other in the hospital or file their taxes jointly? To anyone that is against gay marriage, I have bad news for you... you always lose! You were upset that black people couldn't be slaves anymore; you were upset that women got to vote; you'll be upset when gay marriage is eventually legalized. Why don't you adopt a point of view consistent with the century you're living in.

** In the mean time, please vote AGAINST Proposition 8!!

Navy Pier

Over the weekend, I had the unique pleasure of taking my daughter to the Children's Museum located at Navy Pier. When you look at the picture, it looks like a wonderful place, doesn't it? It conjures images of old town fairs or childhood circuses or carnivals. In reality, while the museum is great for kids, the rest of Navy Pier is the kind of place that no one should ever visit. Ever. The people are rude; the parking is way too expensive; the food is slightly less than mediocre; and the stores are completely worthless. In fact, the only good thing about walking through Navy Pier is that there are things to look at outside. There isn't ten minutes worth of quality on the inside of Navy Pier. You want specifics? Here are the things that made no sense to me:

1) First of all, trying to figure out how to get to the Children's Museum on the second floor, with a stroller, is a joke. There is a huge staircase and a huge escalator, but no elevator. After searcing for several minutes, we finally found an elevator on the opposite side of the building from where the Museum was. So, we go up in the elevator, figuring that we would simply walk the 12 steps to the entrance of the Museum. As we were about to start walking, an employee sprints over to us and points out that they are setting up for a wedding and we can't go through here. The conversation went like this:

- Me: "I can see you're setting up, but no one is here yet and the entrance is right over there."
- Douchebag: "We're setting up for a wedding."
- Me: "Right. Well what if we just run right over there and you pretend that you don't see us."
- Douchebag: "We're setting up for a wedding. You can't go there."
- Me: "Ok, fine. Can you tell us another way to get over to the Museum?"
- Douchebag: "I don't know."
- Me: "That's very helpful; thank you." (Spoken like I want to light him on fire and pour his remains into the wedding's fondue fountain)
- Douchebag: "You're welcome." (Spoken like he has no idea how much I hate him)

Would it have been so hard to let us walk the 12 steps to the Museum? Would it have been so hard to train this employee to know where the other elevators in Navy Pier are located? Unreal.

2) After the Museum, we noticed that there was a magic store outside. Magic happens to be a hobby of mine, so I thought that we would walk in for a minute and see if they were selling anything interesting. We walk in and there is one employee standing there. We wait patiently until he is done talking to the only other customer in the store. He then looks at me and the conversation goes something like this:

- Me: "What new tricks do you guys have?"
- Waste Of Space: "We don't have anything new."
- Me: "Really? Nothing new... at all?"
- Waste Of Space: "Our inventory has been the same for the last 15 years."
- Me: "How exciting! Could you please show us your best trick?"
- Waste Of Space: "We do product demonstrations once an hour."

Umm, ok. This guy hasn't had a new product since the early '90's. He sits around waiting for people to come into his magic trick store... hoping to buy magic tricks... and then tells them that he can't show them the magic tricks. What exactly is his job?? Putz.

3) Every store in Navy Pier sucks. Seriously, do people really buy magnets? Or caricatures? Or hats with flashing lights on them? Or 3-gallon buckets of cheese popcorn? You know what would be cool? If there was at least one thing at Navy Pier that didn't make me want to leave the building immediately.

4) We finally went to Joe's Be-Bop Cafe for dinner. The menu looked decent and there were plenty of kids around so we thought this place would be fine. We were sitting at the table for about 10 minutes when the live music started. To say that the band was "loud" would be like saying that the stock market is "down"; it doesn't even scratch the surface. My daughter must have thought there was an earthquake; we couldn't hear each other talk... even when we were yelling; the waitress couldn't hear our dinner orders; you get the idea. We all basically sat there eating silently because we couldn't have heard each other anyway. Note to restaurant owners: if the music is so loud that it impacts your digestion, try turning it down a notch, ok?

5) Why are churros only sold at lame places like amusement parks and Navy Pier? Either churros completely suck and they shouldn't be sold anywhere, or churros kick ass and they should be available everywhere. What am I missing here?

The Gym

With a 3-month old daughter, it sometimes feels like the only things I do are go to work, sleep, and play with her for a few minutes before she goes to sleep. Luckily I've still been able to get the gym for a little while every now and then. Every time I'm at the gym, I'm amazed at how many things make absolutely no sense... but don't even phase me until after I'm gone.

1) Gyms are disgusting. Normally, I'm a very hygenic person. I don't like germs. I wash my hands constantly during the day. Out in the real world, if someone is drenched in their own bodily fluids, waving suits me just fine. In the gym, people sweat. A lot. They sweat on themselves; they sweat on the weights they're using; they sweat on the cardio equipment. Those people that aren't content to merely wipe the sweat away with their own sweaty hands, have a terrific alternative; a towel. No cleaning supplies; no anti-bacterial products... just a towel that rests on either the floor or on the equipment that everyone else has been sweating on. When they're done using the sweaty equipment, some people have the decency to use their sweaty towel to dry off the fresh sweat, but this doesn't really clean anything. The cure for Alzheimer's is probably living on the machine I was using yesterday, but all I did was sweat all over it and then put it on my towel.

2) For people who lift weights, one of the things that any personal trainer will try to pound into your head is that "form is much more important than how much weight you lift", because poor form can easily cause back problems, muscle tears, etc. That said, it is extremely common to see an otherwise average guy lifting Herculean quantities of weights. These idiots do everything except hook up a pully to the ceiling in an effort to curl 20 extra pounds. Hey Chuck Norris, why don't you stop trying to do 1 rep of 400 pounds and spend some time not being in traction. The only time looking this ridiculous is actually acceptable is when a 10 year old girl could lift more weight than you. In that case, form be damned.

3) People who actually can read a book or magazine while using an elliptical machine. Some small part of me understand that people can do this while riding a bike because your upper body doesn't move. I don't know about you, but when I'm on elliptical my head is experiencing the equivalent of a 9.5 earthquake. I move around like I'm caught in some kind of magnetic field. I couldn't read for 5 seconds much less 30 minutes. Plus, you people are reading things like US Weekly or the Chicago Tribune. I don't know about you but when I'm working out I like to feel a little bit inspired. I listen to music with a fast tempo in an effort to stay motivated. Reading about the Olsen twins' eating disorders, how many points the Dow fell, or Madonna's divorce just makes me want to go home.

4) Newsflash: cotton is no longer permitted in the gym. Every person in the gym, regardless of their size and shape now wears either spandex or something made by Under Armour. Have you even tried to find a cotton t-shirt lately. If you want to feel badly about yourself, go to a sporting goods store. Unless you're a heroine addict or a 12 year old boy, good luck fitting into those clothes.

** Note to my daughter: just put a treadmill in your basement.

Rough Day

You ever have one of those days where you do a lot of really stupid things? I'm talking about REALLY stupid things. I'm talking about things like taking the top off of a bottle full of breast milk, and THEN shaking it up. We all have days like that, right? Well I feel like I'm right in the middle of one. So, rather than always ripping on everyone else's stupidity, I figured I would mention several things I've done during the last 24 hours that make absolutely no sense.

1) Shaving shouldn't be that hard anymore. I've been shaving multiple times a week for well over 15 years. Yet for some reason, every now and then, it feels like the first time I've ever done it. Yesterday morning there was a spot on my neck that I just couldn't shave properly. Like a complete asshole, I kept hacking away at my neck to get the smooth shave that I apparently needed so desparately. The result? OUCH! It felt like someone had dragged barbed wire across my face. My neck looks like it auditioned for Freddy vs. Jason. It was bleeding in about 12 spots for the better part of an hour. Naturally, I chose to wear a white t-shirt yesterday and the collar now looks like a leper's loin cloth.

2) I have two dogs. Both dogs poop every day. I took the dogs out this morning and immediately stepped in crap. Then they went to the bathroom and the bag that I had with me had a hole in it. How did I find that out? Easy, I got shit on my hand. By the time I got back inside I looked like a homeless guy that had been sleeping in the dumpster behind a Taco Bell.

3) You ever make oatmeal? Not that hard, right? Except when you go to stir it and you splash oatmeal-water all over your khakis. You know the only thing worse than a stain on your pants? Thinking it makes perfect sense to use a lot of water to wash off a drop-sized stain. Now I look like my junk went through a car wash.

4) So I was on the train this morning and I start watching a movie on my iPhone. As the train starts filling up, I start getting more and more anxious because there is a greater likelihood that I might have to hold on to something in the train for balance. As a sidenote, you should know I have a mild phobia of the germs that live on the hand rails in trains. In general, I would rather drink my urine or sit through an episode of America's Next Top Model... than touch train metal with my bare hands. This might be hard to explain, but rather than hold on to a hand rail, I put my entire arm through the hand rail so that only my clothed elbow was touching it. As more people crammed on to the train, the pressure on my wrist increased. Despite the shooting pain in my right arm, I stayed like that until my headphone cord got caught on someone's backpack and ripped the phone out of my hand. So, the phone fell on to the ground and when I went to pick it up, one hand touched the ground and I needed to grab the other rail with my other hand for balance.

Fuck me.

Herpes and Crabs and Scabies, Oh My!!!

I read an article on CNN this morning and I simply couldn't let it go unanswered. Apparently, since 2004, a website called http://www.inspot.org/ will send someone an annonymous email to let them know that they should get checked out for a sexually transmitted disease. So, rather than telling the person that you might have given them something, the website can do it for you. You can choose from a variety of way-cool email templates that look something like this:

The most disturbing thing to me about this website, is not merely that it exists (though that is absolutey mind-boggling). No, the most disturbing thing is that CNN is actually reporting that a site like this is a good idea! http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/conditions/10/21/std.e-cards/index.html There are a couple things about this irresponsible and ultimately harmful reporting that make no sense to me:

1) This can't be a good idea. Funny? Yes. Good for pranks? Sure. But the notion that health professionals are actually behind something like this is unreal. What about educating people about how not to spread STD's in the first place? What about encouraging the infected to be honest with the people they cared enough about to hook up with in the first place? What about supporting some minimal level of accountability rather than just letting people hide behind a flirtatious and annonymous email? What about apologizing for making their crotch itch?

2) Is an email really the best way to let someone know that they have an STD?? Personally, there are about a thousand ways I would rather find out than from an email; they are so cold and impersonal. (a) What about STD Singing Telegrams? I don't know about you, but if I could reasonably expect a pelvic discharge in the near future, I would sure like to hear about it through melodic rhyme. (b) 1-800-FLOWERS could start offering the Syphillis basket! It could be full of twigs and pinecones and it could include a clever card like, "Not what you expected? Join the club." (c) What about skywriting? Wouldn't it be great to be at a baseball game on a nice summer day and have forty-thousand people simultaneously realize that you have genital herpes? (d) Text message. This is a no brainer. How easy would it be to send a text? "Plz dnt h8 me. I gv u the clap."

Just to name a few.

** Note to my daughter: just say what's on your mind.