Cloverfield

Many of you probably know that I watch a lot of movies. There are a ton of movies that I really like; I'm very open-minded. However, there are naturally a few that I don't particularly care for. Unfortunately, every now and then, there is a movie like Cloverfield. A movie that is so incredibly horrible; so unbearably devoid of value; so purely evil in its utter lack of any redeeming qualities... that I can't help but mention it here because it was a colossal disappointment. How a movie that sounds so promising can be such crap truly makes no sense to me.

That poster looks pretty cool, don't you think? Now read the summary of the movie:

"A going-away party in Manhattan is interrupted when a mysterious, giant-sized monster launches an attack on New York City. With camcorder in hand, a small group of friends make their way out into the chaotic streets, scrambling to stay alive."

If you're into science fiction or movies like Armageddon, you would have to agree that the movie sounds at least decent. Want more proof? The movie is produced by J.J. Abrams, the guy that created Alias and Lost. So what's the problem? (Oh, if you don't want to know anything about the movie, then stop reading now)

First of all, the movie is only 84 minutes long. Even Ace Ventura was longer than that. There is literally nothing more to the movie than the summary that you just read. The movie starts out as though someone is watching a video tape that is now the property of the Department of Defense. Like the plot summary indicates, there was a party and someone ended up recording the whole night. So, think about a shittier version of The Blair Witch Project. During the course of the movie you actually get to see the monster and a lot of people die. But, that's it! By the end, everyone is dead and the viewer knows ABSOLUTELY nothing more than you do after simply reading the plot synopsis. You don't know if the monster came from Earth or if it is an alien. You don't know if the military was able to destroy it or if it is still out there threatening to wipe out the rest of the world. You never even find out what the fuck "Cloverfield" means.

I'm all for suspense and cliffhanger endings, but this is cinematic blue-balls at its absolute worst. Hey J.J., maybe you could have put a few minutes of actual plot into the movie? The minimal character development that did happen was pointless because by the time you actually start to give the tiniest shit about any of them, they die. In hindsight, my 84 minutes would have been better spent in the bathroom. At least then I wouldn't have had shit all over my iPhone.