The Gym

With a 3-month old daughter, it sometimes feels like the only things I do are go to work, sleep, and play with her for a few minutes before she goes to sleep. Luckily I've still been able to get the gym for a little while every now and then. Every time I'm at the gym, I'm amazed at how many things make absolutely no sense... but don't even phase me until after I'm gone.

1) Gyms are disgusting. Normally, I'm a very hygenic person. I don't like germs. I wash my hands constantly during the day. Out in the real world, if someone is drenched in their own bodily fluids, waving suits me just fine. In the gym, people sweat. A lot. They sweat on themselves; they sweat on the weights they're using; they sweat on the cardio equipment. Those people that aren't content to merely wipe the sweat away with their own sweaty hands, have a terrific alternative; a towel. No cleaning supplies; no anti-bacterial products... just a towel that rests on either the floor or on the equipment that everyone else has been sweating on. When they're done using the sweaty equipment, some people have the decency to use their sweaty towel to dry off the fresh sweat, but this doesn't really clean anything. The cure for Alzheimer's is probably living on the machine I was using yesterday, but all I did was sweat all over it and then put it on my towel.

2) For people who lift weights, one of the things that any personal trainer will try to pound into your head is that "form is much more important than how much weight you lift", because poor form can easily cause back problems, muscle tears, etc. That said, it is extremely common to see an otherwise average guy lifting Herculean quantities of weights. These idiots do everything except hook up a pully to the ceiling in an effort to curl 20 extra pounds. Hey Chuck Norris, why don't you stop trying to do 1 rep of 400 pounds and spend some time not being in traction. The only time looking this ridiculous is actually acceptable is when a 10 year old girl could lift more weight than you. In that case, form be damned.

3) People who actually can read a book or magazine while using an elliptical machine. Some small part of me understand that people can do this while riding a bike because your upper body doesn't move. I don't know about you, but when I'm on elliptical my head is experiencing the equivalent of a 9.5 earthquake. I move around like I'm caught in some kind of magnetic field. I couldn't read for 5 seconds much less 30 minutes. Plus, you people are reading things like US Weekly or the Chicago Tribune. I don't know about you but when I'm working out I like to feel a little bit inspired. I listen to music with a fast tempo in an effort to stay motivated. Reading about the Olsen twins' eating disorders, how many points the Dow fell, or Madonna's divorce just makes me want to go home.

4) Newsflash: cotton is no longer permitted in the gym. Every person in the gym, regardless of their size and shape now wears either spandex or something made by Under Armour. Have you even tried to find a cotton t-shirt lately. If you want to feel badly about yourself, go to a sporting goods store. Unless you're a heroine addict or a 12 year old boy, good luck fitting into those clothes.

** Note to my daughter: just put a treadmill in your basement.