Notes From the Holidays

Hopefully everyone had a terrific Thanksgiving holiday! Shockingly, there were some things that happened over the long weekend that made no sense to me:

1) During all of the football on Thanksgiving, there was a commercial that had people giving testimonials about something. Underneath their faces, a caption was displayed: "Real People, Not Actors". Hmmm. Couple things. First of all, even actors are real people. Second, this commercial didn't have a director? These were regular people who just happened to find themselves in front of a camera and nailed unscripted lines on the first take? You think maybe they were real people AND they were acting?

2) Because of the Thanksgiving holiday, I commuted from Chicago to Deerfield three times in three days. With a baby and two dogs in the car. To say the least, by Saturday morning my driving nerves were a little shot. That said, does the asshole behind me really have to start honking 0.2 milliseconds after the green arrow appears at the intersection?? Look dick, I promise that you are not in a bigger hurry than I am. If you are really having a panic attack that I'm not already slamming on the gas, how about you leave a few minutes earlier? God forbid you wait an extra 30 seconds to get back to Bubbie and Zadie's house for your seventh round of leftovers. Douche.

3) My wife wants a new pair of boots. They cost $325. I told her that unless they are made of unicorn dick, they can't possibly be that expensive. I have no real story here, but the reality of how rare and valuable unicorn dick must be, continues to crack me up.

4) For several months, there have been two assholes playing catch with a football in the street in front on my apartment. In Chicago, there are cars on every street. On my street, cars are parked bumper to bumper on both sides of the street. The problem here is that these guys suck at catch. One of them drops every third ball. What happens then? Right, the ball slams into someone's car. Here's what makes no sense. I can't do anything about it. If I go out there and ask them to please stop hurting cars, I basically show them that I'm a vagina. If I call the cops about the two dipshits playing in the street, the cops will hang up on me. It's fucking annoying to know that my car is going get hit with a football and I can't stop it. And if the two of you dick bags happen to read this, go to a fucking park already.

5) Last night, my wife and I ordered dinner from Penny's Noodle Shop. As always, we got chopsticks with our meal. For no particular reason, I happened to read what was written on the outside of the chopsticks. Here it is, in its glorious entirety:

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and culture"

That's what it says. Presumably, at some point someone with a 1st Grade education has actually been consulted on the packaging for chopsticks. Additionally, I'm assuming that because this product is used in the United States, someone who actually understands English was involed in the original Chopsticks Think Tank. First and foremost, stop capitalizing everything! Next, don't build up "chopsticks" as "the traditional and typical _____", without telling me what you really think it is! And stop putting periods two words before the end of the sentence. Hey Chopsticks people, I'm all for America being the melting pot, but you make it pretty fucking hard to keep siding with you.