R.I.P. - 1978 - 2008

It is official. The "me" that I used to be, is gone. Over. Finished. Done. The "me" that I had gotten to know over the last thirty years and was pretty fond of, is nowhere to be found. In my place is something unimagineable; something bordering on insanity... a Dad. I know what you're thinking: "come on, this happens to every new parent; you just have to get used to your new life". That might be true for some of you, but the part of this whole transformation that really makes no sense to me, is that I truly believe that my daughter has orchestrated the whole thing.

Pretty cute, right? Looks innocent? Definitely. You would never think that someone that looks like this, with only twelve weeks of experience living, could possible be devious or manipulative. I submit to you... evidence:

While we have been busy "trying to get used to our new life", I am convined that my daughter has been slowly plotting her takeover of my mind. I don't think like the old Me. I don't act like the old Me. And my daughter is loving every minute of it. How am I so vastly different than I was three short months ago? I'll give you a few examples:

1) The old Me would notice an attractive woman walking on the street. The new Dad that has taken over sees a woman with large breasts and has only one thought. How long has it been since SHE pumped? All part of my daughter's master plan to make sure that her milk is the one and only priority.

2) The old Me would have been content to sit on the couch on Sundays watching any and every football game that was on TV. The new Dad has managed to watch one quarter of Bears football so far this season. The highlight? My daughter throwing up all over me. That'll teach me.

3) The old Me might be caught whistling some new song that I had heard on the radio. The new Dad was singing "Here I go loop-dee-loo" in the shower this morning. Not surprisingly, my daughter could hear me and was laughing the entire time.

4) The old Me would miss my wife if she was going out of town for a weekend... but would be excited to have a weekend alone to go out drinking with the guys or play cards, etc. The new Dad has nightmares about the first time my wife will leave Dad and daughter home alone for more than four hours.

I'm not saying that this transformation is devoid of rewards; I'm just saying that the people who claim that this is merely an "adjustment" should be beaten to death with a sippy cup. Calling the paradigm shift from happily-married-man to parenthood an "adjustment" is like calling our current economic problems a "misunderstanding". It really just makes no sense.

** Note to my daughter: your punishment for this evil plot will be to endure years of stories about the person I used to be :)