Rough Day

You ever have one of those days where you do a lot of really stupid things? I'm talking about REALLY stupid things. I'm talking about things like taking the top off of a bottle full of breast milk, and THEN shaking it up. We all have days like that, right? Well I feel like I'm right in the middle of one. So, rather than always ripping on everyone else's stupidity, I figured I would mention several things I've done during the last 24 hours that make absolutely no sense.

1) Shaving shouldn't be that hard anymore. I've been shaving multiple times a week for well over 15 years. Yet for some reason, every now and then, it feels like the first time I've ever done it. Yesterday morning there was a spot on my neck that I just couldn't shave properly. Like a complete asshole, I kept hacking away at my neck to get the smooth shave that I apparently needed so desparately. The result? OUCH! It felt like someone had dragged barbed wire across my face. My neck looks like it auditioned for Freddy vs. Jason. It was bleeding in about 12 spots for the better part of an hour. Naturally, I chose to wear a white t-shirt yesterday and the collar now looks like a leper's loin cloth.

2) I have two dogs. Both dogs poop every day. I took the dogs out this morning and immediately stepped in crap. Then they went to the bathroom and the bag that I had with me had a hole in it. How did I find that out? Easy, I got shit on my hand. By the time I got back inside I looked like a homeless guy that had been sleeping in the dumpster behind a Taco Bell.

3) You ever make oatmeal? Not that hard, right? Except when you go to stir it and you splash oatmeal-water all over your khakis. You know the only thing worse than a stain on your pants? Thinking it makes perfect sense to use a lot of water to wash off a drop-sized stain. Now I look like my junk went through a car wash.

4) So I was on the train this morning and I start watching a movie on my iPhone. As the train starts filling up, I start getting more and more anxious because there is a greater likelihood that I might have to hold on to something in the train for balance. As a sidenote, you should know I have a mild phobia of the germs that live on the hand rails in trains. In general, I would rather drink my urine or sit through an episode of America's Next Top Model... than touch train metal with my bare hands. This might be hard to explain, but rather than hold on to a hand rail, I put my entire arm through the hand rail so that only my clothed elbow was touching it. As more people crammed on to the train, the pressure on my wrist increased. Despite the shooting pain in my right arm, I stayed like that until my headphone cord got caught on someone's backpack and ripped the phone out of my hand. So, the phone fell on to the ground and when I went to pick it up, one hand touched the ground and I needed to grab the other rail with my other hand for balance.

Fuck me.